Category: Singles Spit Swap
Okay. I was gonna put this in the relationship board, then I decided it should probably go on here ... Where are all you emotionally stable, emotionally mature men hiding?? I am sick and tired of meeting these men who, for whatever reason, lack these two characteristics. I don't think it's too much to ask that I meet somebody who possesses them, it just hasn't happend for me yet. I am sstarting to think I have an invisible, yet prominent, sign on my back which says, "All the obsessive, potentially-stalkerish just plain fucked up men come my way!!!" Lol, I really don't think that seriously, but it can sure seem that way sometimes. okay, I'm through with my little rant ... Go have a good day!!!
I usually don't post on this board but somehow your topic just intrigued me. First, what you define is subjective. What is emotionally stable to one may not be considered such to another. For example, I personally try to say hi to my friends as I see them. My philosophy, treat them as it is the last time you will ever see them. This comes from the fact that I lost a family member once and I didn't go see him when he was in the hospital prior to his passing because he had been in before for a day or two and was released. This time however, he went in for what I thought was the same thing as before and didn't come out. It also depends on where you are looking and how much time and effort you put into it. For example, what are the chances that meeting a guy at the local watering hole is going to land you mister dependable and not mister one night stand? Another example, places like this have all kind of people to nice guys to lonely perverted types to avoid. Unfortunately you will have to weed them out as well. Emotional maturity also comes with experience. That can be had through age, or from having the right experiences at the right time. We also have a tendency to set external parameters as our guide and the funny thing, if too many people share that same set of parameters, the guys that measure up to them don't care about the girl because they have many more to choose from. The best approach is to evaluate what you are looking for and just don't be shy about putting the emphasis on personality and less on physical appearance, income, social status, age and the like. there are limits here of course, but if you pay less atention to these things and more to the personality traits, it becomes easier to connect with the type of man you seek. Good luck in your endeavor, he is out there, just keep looking and know that the immature male tends to stand out so it just seems like that is all you are getting. He might be under your very nose and you just have to take a chance on it.
I think this is a common question for single people of both genders. I can't tell you how many times I've heard single male friends wonder where the emotionally stable/healthy women are hiding? All of us have emotional baggage of some kind: be it from childhood, previous relationships, family, whatever. I guess it's just a matter of how much, and how one deals with it. It also comes down to taking a look at one's own emotional health. God knows that when I've been in a bad place mentally/emotionally, I've tended to attract fucked up guys. It's when one is in good emotional health themselves that they'll tend to attract people of the same stability/maturity level. I'm not accusing you of being emotionally unstable or mature, Woman of Wisdom, just commenting on my own views/experiences.
I agree with you to a point sister dawn, but I think it isn't that you tend to attract emotionally unstable guys when you are feeling vonerable, but that you fail to attract the emotionally stable oens, at least in the quantities noticable. Most guys and gals who are emotionally unstable will, unless they pull inward, reach out to seek that person to vindicate their self worth and it doesn't matter whether the person they reach out to is emotionally stable or not, otherwise, I agree with the rest. At least that is what I have observed.
Well, in the sense in which I mean it, I mean emotionally stable and emotionally mature as in a man who knows how to set appropriate boundaries when a breakup does happen, for one. an example of what I mean is this. I was having a conversation with a male friend of mine.
Me- Well, you know friend, I can understand you being worried about your ex, but there's a line betwene messaging her just to check on her well-being and stalking her.
friend- It's hard to tell where that line is though.
Me- no, it really isn't. If she said she doesn't wanna hear from you for awhile, then you don't contact her. contacting her when she's said she doesn't wanna hear from you is harassment and can be considered stalking when it reaches a certain poinnt.
Friend- But I worry about her though.
Me- I understand, but you contacting her at this point is going to do nothing but get you into trouble in the longrun ...
Needless to say, I determined that that man has a little problem setting appropriate boundaries, and I went on to, as gently as I could, recommend that he seek outside help learning how to do so. It's stuff like that, and a whole bunch more about this specific individual, traits which I have seen in others, which I don't wanna deal with in a relationship capacity. In May, when I graduate with the appropriate credentials, i will be a therapist, and I think that is part of what it is too. A lot of these guys want me to fix them, and that is not what I am there to do. I am there as a partner, not their therapist. And true, alecia, while everybody does have some sort of emotional baggage, some people have it to the point where it impairs their ability to function in an intimate/emotional relationship. That is what I mean by emotionally unstable/emotionally immature.
I can see how that could be interpreted as stalking, I am constantly worried about that myself. When I break up with an ex, the last thing I want is to talk to them. However, if I did it is because I want to keep them as a friend and treat them like every other friend, if she tells me not to bother her, I would have to honor that, if she says that maybe we shouldn't talk to give me time to heal, that is a different matter. If she ignores me, well, guess what, I will quit saying hi as I don't want to waste my time with someone who really doesn't want to talk to me. If that isn't your friend, then I agree that he has a problem, but I think there needs to be a bit more then just that example to build on. Having trouble letting go is tough for either party in a breakup situation. If he is like most people, a month goes by and he stops. You need to take everything together and not just one thing. It does clarify your post though. I agree in example there is a fine line but there really isn't much deviation on that line. Let's take for a while. How long is that, a month, two, since each person puts things behind themselves at different rates, that changes. How have you handledrejection/breaking up? Now if he calls her constantly and doesn't back off after a short time to adjust, or camps out in front of her house, then you have a problem. That's just my two cents, different people may see it differently though. May your relationships end well, if they are to end, but may that not happen unless you want them to..
well, as I said in my previous post, there other, more specific examples that I myself have of this person. However, I am not going to put them on here because this person does use this site and if I were to put the other examples out there, his identity may be compromised, so that is why I used the trouble setting boundaries example. And yes, it has been about a month or so since they broke up. The nature of the relationship was completely telephonic and it only lasted a couple months or so. But that was just a mere example of what I meant by saying emotionally unstable. Smile, you, however, seem to have no problem setting boundaries, based upon your last message. Lol. And sorry I didn't respond to your pqn last night, cowboy one, I didn't get it before I'd logged out ...
I'm afraid that most of the emotionally stable people are in relationships with other emotionally stable people. LOL. I think that once you reach a certain age, it's very hard to find someone who doesn't have a lot of baggage so to speak. Most people who choose a career over finding someone to be with face this issue. As for the stawker, well, you'll run in to that sort of thing no matter where you try to meet a guy. Sadly, these types are everywhere and come from both genders.
As for men you date needing to be fixed, I'm sure you're aware that you can't fix anyone in a relationship. It sort of is a conflict of roles first off, and the other person also has to be willing to change whatever it is they think they need fixed. Some people say they want to change, for the sake of making themselves look better and don't actually have any intent on doing so. I think the best practice is to consider the situation as it is now. maybe someone has potential to be something more than they are now, or maybe a person does have the drive to become emotionally stable, but it's not worth betting on. If you can't accept what is there now, don't go for that person. If you use that rule of thumb, there won't be disappointment later if said person doesn't change, and you'll be able to be fine with that.
It's ok, I know this site well enough to know that if a person doesn't respond it is probably likely that he/she logged out. That brings up another situation, How do you know that your attempts to contact a person are being missed or the person just doesn't want to talk to you. Sure there is the ignore setting, but that is drastic and rude if you haven't told the person first to stop contacting you. Unfortunatley many boundaries have to be explicitly set so that both sides don't have a misunderstanding. Woman of Wisdom, if you want to pm me, we can discuss this further.
True, K C. I am in full agreement with that statement. By the way, this certain friend of mine does want a relationship with me, but like you said, I am not accepting what is there now as something I want to deal with in a relationship capacity. I deal with that kind of thing in my career, so why would I want to come home and deal with it there too?? Needless to say, I am still trying to figure out, within myself, the best way to tell him that I do not want a relationship with him. regardless of how that news is broken, I know him well enough to say that, because of his emotional immaturity, that news will devestate him. But nonetheless, it has to be said ...
That is a tough one. Each person handles rejection differently, but I have found that that the truth, though more painful is the best way. Trying to candy coat it does nothing. I mean be polite and honest. If you don't have those feelings, say so
That is what I will do. I, like you, believe that sugar coating things accomplishes nothing. However, I think I am going to have to approach him as if he were an actual client, as in how I phrase things, I mean, because this situation wouldn't really come up with a client and, if it did, I could squash it quickly.
Maybe stop bringing your work home and relax and find people as they stand?
Maybe she has a valid concern. I don't think she is projecting onto him the characteristics from others, If she is, he will certainly understand.
It's really quite simple. It seems, from just what you've written, that the best approach is not to sugar coat things both for his sake and yours. For his, because it sounds like that's what normally happens and he doesn't take a hint, and for yours so that you can clearly communicate this to him. Then, probably much like you'd tell a client, you set boundaries with him and lay those out clearly. Any violation of those boundaries, in my opinion, should lead to cutting off of contact. Maybe you can handle him being that way, but if he's someone you care about, it would seem a lesson needs to be tought about respecting of boundaries. He may even thank you later if you decide to revisit the breaking of contact should that become necissary.
that's the key, clear boundaries, in fact, a couple of warnings maybe necessary with each warning being a bit harsher than the last. Most people, no matter how clear they think they are, in an attempt to be nice, do sugar coat things and are not always as clear as they should be. Also, some people are more literal. I tend to be like that. Say what you mean, mean what you say. But ending of contact should always be reserved as an extreme last step. I know people who have misinterpreted another's attentions because they once were as thought but no longer are. Yet, they themselves fail to notice the changes that suggest that things have changed and the situation they are worried about isn't happening at all. There is no one answer except to be clear and to the point. The less room for interpretation, the better.
Where do you meet these men? Find a place where there are men who are emotionally stable by your definition. I do it by going to group dance lessons. There are several nice women there.
I think I've pretty much given up on the whole relationship thing because of the drama it often brings. And I always seem to attract women who either take advantage of my blindness or use my desire to give people a fair chance as an excuse not to address whatever problems they have. Maybe I am a bit too nice but I'd rather be that than a complete asshole. And I've learned over the years that I do, in fact, have limits to the sort of things I'll put up with.
It's funny, the women I tend to atract are the emotionally damaged type. I work to build them up and poof, they leave.
That's precisely what happens with me too. And it seems, as another person pointed out, that all the stable women or at least the women who actually seem like they'd be my type are already quite taken.
It seems to me that women don't want a nice guy. No they want someone who can feed the psychosis.
That's pretty much what I've observed as well.
I find the whole think sort of interesting actually
Not to mention, you're not going to meet everyone while they're at the peak of happiness. Sometimes it happens that way; sometimes not. I had a friend take me in when I was going through an extremely difficult time in my life. I wouldn't say I was unbarable to deal with, but I certainly wasn't at my best. I was rather antisocial, lazy, didn't help out as much as I should've, probably not as appreciative as I should have been, not to mention just generally in a bad mood. Luckily this friend had known me before hand and knew I wasn't usually like that, but I can imagine if that had been someone's first impression of me, I can totally understand why they would have perceived me as very emotionally unstable, and not a very pleasant person to be around. I know first impressions aren't everything, as they shouldn't be, but unfortunately they do tend to stick.
Ocean has a point. Margorp and Bryan, one other thing. I've heard men say that about women before. I think some of it is that many women don't know what to do with the nice guy when they get him. Especially a woman who has had any emotional/physical trauma in her past. If she's used to being treated like crap by men, then the nice guy can be uncomfortable, even downright frightening to her. Yes, there are women out there who want drama, feed off negativity, and so on. Just as some men do, though they don't show it in the same ways. But generally both genders do have reasons for what they do, even when they're not exactly in the greatest places in life.
Interesting view Sister. It is food for thought for me coming from a female.
Indeed an important tidbit. Oh and please don't think I'm bashing women here. I am simply bringing to light what I feel to be an issue worth going over.
I know you guys weren't woman bashing. I did not take you that way. Just thought I'd throw in that bit of info. It's not fair to the nice guys who try to help such women. Not fair at all. But I hope such men never lose that nice side, because I think they will find the woman who does know what to do with it someday.
So what do we do in the meantime? We are the ones that often get the brunt of the lashings because the women are afraid or what have you. Is it sort of like taming an animal? Lol.
Seems to me more like trying to defuse an atomic bomb. LOL. And that's assuming of course that such bombs can be defused to begin with. But the ones who get to me even more are the ones who act like they want to commit to you. Then you might spent time together and there's no indication that anything's amiss, but suddenly you never hear from the girl or guy again. Or if, some time down the road you do hear from them, they get upset that you didn't wait for them if you should happen to be in another relationship or just not be interested in them anymore. Uhm excuse me? But I was the one trying to call and text you.
Yeah I don't get that myself.
To the original poster, I don't know you, so please excuse my bluntness, and if I'm way out of line with this you can tell me to fuck off, I won't be offended.
That attitude is the main reason I abandoned the idea of becoming a therapist a few years ago. I've read a lot of accounts of therapists whose personal and professional lives become so entrenched in each other that they treat their spouses, children and friends exactly as they would treat their clients: always trying to spot a problem and fix it. It's a fact that the children of therapists often grow up to be dysfunctional. Because I've never been in that situation, I can't say if that's what happens in every case, and, as is the case with everything, there's bound to be exceptions, but I feel you're on a highway to hell with that attitude. Not to mention I've heard more than once that therapists know how to fix everyone but themselves.
Yes, because it is impossible to diagnose yourself; it is a peradox.
That makes sense seeing as there'd be no way in hell you could be completely objective about whatever the issue was.
Though I don't think poster 1 has issues; this is stuff that she sees in her life.
Oh I agree. I've seen my own fair share of crap like that. I seem to atract either girls who have a lot of emotional baggage and don't really want to deal with it because tat would eliminate te illusion of control they feel they have over a situation when ironically dealing with it would go a long way towards giving them the real thing. Either that or the sort who say they wanna be with you, so then you talk for a while and then maybe even spend time together and things seem great. But then after they leave you're lucky if you ever hear from them again. And yes, I know plenty of guys are like that. I believe the proper phrase for that particular instance is wham, bam, thank you ma'am.
Sometimes you can notice patterns while looking back. I know when I was single, in a few cases women fell in love with me or perhaps just had a crush on me because I was nice to them. I don't want to overanalyze, but I wonder if they thought they didn't deserve such treatment so any man that would just treat them like a human must have the hots for them. Granted, a nerdy slacker like myself doesn't exactly have his pick of any available women, but still I noticed the pattern.
I've definitely had a few relationships like that, where you did indeed see the pattern once you looked back on it afterwards. Pretty much most relationships I've ever been in LOL.
I look back on my last relationship and what I have observed is this:
The moment I got to close, bam, smash, out the window.
Pretty much the same here. And if you manage to get any answer out of the other person it's usually some lame excuse that really had nothing to do with the real reason you were getting the boot. Without going into the details I'll say that one girl went so far as to claim that I was about 80 years old in terms of the bedroom simply because I'm not into all the taboo stuff that a lot of people seem to be into these days. Then she told me tat I was too nice for her taste because I've never really been in trouble with the law and never really done anything stupid. Oh I've done some pretty dumb stuff like not timing my street crossings quite right so I end up cutting it close, but that's about as far as I've ever gone. But she was going on about how boring I was because I'm not a skater boy and I've never vandalized and all that nonsense. Of course the real reason was that as you said she'd gotten so used to being treated like crap that she'd come to expect that. So then after we broke up and she stil wanted to be friends she wondered why I wasn't willing to talk to her. I believe the proper phrase is...what is the expression...Drama queen? LOL.
OK, Bryan, that just seems messed up to me if some girl would only find a guy interesting if he were a criminal. That's just made of all kinds of wrong to me.
Well she liked what did she call them, bad boys? If having a criminal history or otherwise taking unnecessary risks with my safety is what it takes to be cool in today's world then I will happily hold onto my suckiness. LOL.
Oh I wasn't implying that the original poster had issues, just my observations about the hypocrisy in the field of psychology. At Bryan, wow, that is messed up. While I can appreciate that everyone has their turn-ons, and well, maybe this person got off on criminal acts, that's still only something you should be involved with if you choose to be. And it's funny how people always hurl the worst insults they can think of at you when they break up with you, only to come crawling back and ask for your friendship. That's a lot lower, in my opinion, than breaking up and not giving a reason. Oh both are unpleasant experiences for sure but why do some people think it's ok to rub your face in the dirt and then come back and lick your wounds so to speak?
Because people get off on that. We have all felt the temptation to tear somebody down. Of course, most of us refrane from doing this but some people have problems.
True enough. The desire to do it is part of human nature.
What I've had happen, twice in fact, is for a guy to throw either my life circumstances or something I can't help like the fact that I'm long distance in my face. That hurts! I actually understand the distance issue, but when you know that my life is changing, it was no secret, you shouldn't throw that in my face. What i mean by life changing is I was applying to grad school, but I didn't know where I'd end up. What I learned from both of those experiences is I'm going to wait until I get settled before dating so no one can throw that kind of BS in my face again, and honestly, I'm OK with it. Life is turning out nicely. Good luck WOW in finding your emotionally stable guy. He is out there. I believe that.
To be fare, distance does create an obsticle and pointing out his concern is not throwing it in your face. Us guys often think out loud.
My response is you should "Think," from the beginning then.
The distance thing didn't bother me so bad after I took a while to think, but still. When you know something from the get go, then don't act interested and then be like "oopsy! You don't work." That's not fair to me. It wasn't like I hid anything. I'm a believer that things happen for a reason, and what I had to realize was the distance thing and the life changes weren't really my fault/problem. I mean, I couldn't/can't do anything about them so I just said to myself "That's their problem not yours if they can't take you as you are." As I've said, I've made sure to keep some distance between me and the men I meet just in case anyone begins having feelings. I make it very clear that right now isn't a good time for romance.
Sometimes it's not so much the distance issue but the way the person acts about it. I personally wouldn't enter into a long distance relationship unless I had reasonable assurance that either she was going to move out here to be with me or that if I were to move out there she wouldn't dump me the moment I did.
Yes we should think about things more. However be more understanding. Was it right what happend to you? I don't think it was, but no need to get all bitter about it. I am sure he never meant to hurt you. Well, that's what I like to think. Most of us are not that cruil.
I get that, but you can't just drop everything and move. At least, not until you know that both of you want things to work. That's how I am anyway. Like I say, the distance thing was more understandable. The second incident was due to someone being fickle. It taught me a lesson though, and it showed me that dating right now just isn't a good idea for my own sake. What I started to do after the second incident was ask myself "If I was another person, would I date me," and that really helped me to see that I have a lot to offer in a relationship but that right now my life is just too up in the air.
I never thought of asking myself that but it sounds like a great way to evaluate yourself. hmmm.
I mean, I had to put myself in the other person's shoes, or try to at least, and it helped. It didn't mean that there was anything wrong with me per say. It just meant that right now just isn't a good time. I'm glad I found that out. It was something that I had been thinking and I had even told a few people that, but a person can always change their mind. However, if you're life hasn't changed along with your mind, the truth will still be the same.
That's true.
To put a bit of a twist on this topic... For me, I tend to be drawn to the pathological liar and player type of guys. Either that or guys who are severely depressed and need a shoulder to cry on. I get a lot of guys coming to me and crying because some woman has done him wrong or hurt them. I listen and offer what advice I can. mostly, they just want to be heard. Sometimes it turns sexual, other times, it doesn't. But as soon as their current woman problems are over with, I'm forgotten, until another girl does the guy wrong. I don't mind being there, listening and offering a shoulder, but crap! It does get frustrating. Maybe I'm attracted because these guys are showing me a volnerable side, when most guys think that it's so cool to be tough. I don't know. I do realize that this is my own patern,though, so I take full responsibility.
That is a shame. I think people just generally want someone to be there and they take advantage. How sad.
I've made some really good friends that way. thankfully, most of them are still around. I ended up learning a lot about some people that I otherwise probably never would have. I see where you're coming from. However, don't let yourself be taken advantage of, either. Your feelings matter, too.
One big thing I work on every single day is setting boundaries for myself. It's not always easy.
I haven't read the whole thread, but I believe t no noe is able to judge, for themselves, whether they are emotionally stable or not. One might consider stable might be unstable for another, to quote poster 2. I think it's a matter of judgment by others, and getting to know each person.